By Today’s Flyover People column as seen in The Emporia Gazette:
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS
I’ve just finished a novel by Padgett Powell called “The Interrogative Mood.” The book is made up entirely of questions. It has a single chapter, 164 pages, and one question after another.
Wouldn’t it be fun, I thought, to write a column of questions? Why not? In the spirit of “The Interrogative Mood,” shall we go for it?
When selecting a pet, would you prefer an ornate box turtle or an American bison? Does the poetry of Denise Low speak to your Kansas soul? If you could go back in time and live in a dugout on the plains, would you?
Do you eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday? Given the choice of pancakes or waffles, which would you order? Have you ever tried peanut butter on pancakes?
Dakota sandstone or limestone? Did you participate in the streaking fad during the ‘70s? Which has been the best decade of your life? Are you a person who wears cowboy boots to work? What do you miss most about your childhood?
Did you have a nickname when you were young? Was it a name you liked or did it embarrass you? Are you able to explain the difference between a New York strip and a Kansas City strip? What’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without eating meat?
Was Cecil Carrier the weatherman you grew up watching on TV? Do you have any idea who Major Astro was? Can you name any of the astronauts who’ve come from Kansas? Are small towns the perfect place to raise children, or do you think kids are better off in larger community with more opportunities?
Does the beginning of the Rock Chalk chant give you goose bumps? Do you have an irrational fear of mythical birds? If you absolutely could not stand the color purple, would you go to K-State anyway?
Are you the type of person who puts political signs in your yard during election season? If the residents of Americus were to take up a battle to host the county seat, would you rally on their behalf?
What is the opposite of Kansas? If you were to name the official Kansas sport, what would you choose? What’s your favorite line in “Home on the Range?”
Do you prefer the Red Hills, the Flint Hills or the Glacial Hills? At the Sommerset Café in Dover, would you order a fruit pie or one with meringue? On a scale of 1-10, how much does it bother you to drive into the setting October sun?
By and large, are you happier traveling on east-west roads or north-south roads? Are you disappointed that there aren’t more diagonal highways in the state? Does it give you satisfaction to see mile markers on the interstates, knowing you can calculate the mileage to your exit?
Have you ever had the opportunity to use a wooden outhouse? Do badgers frighten you? Would you prefer a German shepherd or a Labrador retriever? Have you ever dressed up as a “Wizard of Oz” character?
Are you able to easily locate the North Star? Are you aware of the new Kansas law in which a driver is not allowed to linger in the passing lane on a 4-lane highway? Are you happy with that law or do you feel that legislators are micromanaging our driving habits, legislating courtesy?
Would you vote for chicken-fried steak as the state food? Do you find it troubling that there aren’t many jousting events in Kansas? Is there a little thrill that runs through your mind when you take note that Dwight Eisenhower was the 34th president from the 34th state?
Are you comforted or are you bored by the predictable geometry on the Kansas map? How many days of being snowed-in can you handle before going stir-crazy? Have you ever floated a Kansas river in a canoe?
Should street and highway snow removal be paid for by those who would benefit the most financially from dry and safe roads, namely automobile insurance companies? Have you ever climbed the 296 steps to the top of the dome of the Kansas Capitol building?
Do you consider the group Kansas to be one of the finest rock bands of the ‘70s? Does it please you or annoy you when TV shows and movies use the well-worn line, “We’re not in Kansas anymore?” And, finally, if you’re not in Kansas anymore, just where the heck are you?
Copyright 2010 ~ Cheryl Unruh
Will be working on the answers in the coming days.
Another good one with a twist. I liked this paragraph.
“Does the beginning of the Rock Chalk chant give you goose bumps? Do you have an irrational fear of mythical birds? If you absolutely could not stand the color purple, would you go to K-State anyway?”
I would have ended with this question paraphrased. “And, finally, if you’re not in Kansas anymore, just where the heck are you?”
My version: And, finally, if you’re not in Kansas anymore, just where the world are you and why?
A great chuckle on an otherwise dreary day…
I can hardly wait for a column consisting of answers!! (required by the fairness doctrine??)
Now that’s a challenge I might take up, Tom.
OH NO! Now you’ve done it Cheryl. Every time I see a list of questions, I feel compelled to answer them….. ALL. I am trying, as we speak, to restrain myself, hold back from breaking out with answers. I dare not read the book you read, because I would send that author a book of answers, probably 7 times as long as the book.
Okay, I cannot stop myself. I will answer a few of these questions. Just remember that you did this, you asked. 😉
I’d rather have the bison, because turtles don’t cuddle well.
No, I never streaked, but you never know what an aging brain might think to do. I’m not sure what the best decade of my life was or is. Each decade had its gifts, joys and drawbacks. I tried to bring the good of my childhood with me, so I don’t miss it much. Maybe I miss having that childhood energy. yes, I miss the energy.
Nickname: Nanny Goat. yes, I liked it, oddly.
I’ve gone without eating meat for probably about 10 months at the longest.
There is good and bad in both small town schools and big city schools. I can’t say one is better. But I’m sure they are different.
I never put political signs in my yard. Naw, I don’t care where the Lyon county seat is. If Americus wants it, let ’em try.
I prefer driving West, but enjoy any road trip.
Yes, I’ve used a wooden outhouse a bunch of times while camping when I was a kid. I prefer not to do that again.
As for the geometry of the Kansas map, don’t forget there is a bite taken out of the N-E corner. I love that.
Although I spent a chuck of my teen years in a canoe, it wasn’t in Kansas.
So sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I could have done every single question, even though I didn’t know what you were talking about on a couple. It’s this answer questions compulsion…………
Cheryl… another outstanding piece..!! Thank you..!!
Mmmmmm – great fun; some random answers:
Rock Chalk goose bumps – absolutely!
Any reference of Wizard of Oz to Kansas annoys me
Cecil Carrier weatherman? Yes, of course, has there ever been another?
Opposite of Kansas – hell, or Philadelphia (may be one and the same)
Flint Hills, only because there are more of them to explore than the others
Fruit pie – do they have gooseberry?
Official Kansas sport – pheasant hunting
Streaking – absolutely not!
Aware passing lane law – yes
American bison, for sure
Peanut butter on pancakes – no; peanut butter and banana on waffles – a major treat!
Wooden outhouse – yes, and it sure was cold at night!
I’m loving your answers, peeps. I sure hope among my readers that there’s at least someone who used to watch Major Astro.
Larry did Cheryl. I just asked him.
“It used to annoy my sister because I’d come home from college and sit down and watch Major Astro and Speed Racer. Major Astro was most of the time the weatherman, but they’d make him dress up in this costume and make him show the cartoons.”
I was wondering why I didn’t know who Major Astro was. Larry said he was local to Kansas.
When I was a kid, we had Sheriff John. Oh, he was the bees knees. 😀
Isn’t this great stuff? 😀
Great questions! Here are my answers to a select few: Depends on how big a box turtle gets but then a buffalo probably wouldn’t be too happy in a small pen. Love Denise Low! And would love to spend one night at least in a dugout on the plains just to see what it would have been like.
Love waffles, but would choose pancakes over most of the “Belgian” waffles in restaurants. Never streaked! Have worn Frye boots but not really cowboy boots to work. Limestone. Miss hearing the cicadas sing, the squirrels running over the roof and the coyotes yipping – familiar sounds of my childhood.
Was called “Beth” in childhood; still suits me fine. Don’t eat meat generally, but when in Kansas do as Kansans do.
Was it Joe Engle? Small towns are the best for raising small children! More opportunities are often not much more than more distractions from the very important business of growing up to be a real person.
Not much gives me goose bumps anymore except cold weather, but I haven’t heard that Rock Chalk chant for way too long!
Love the Flint Hills! and fruit pie . . . does anyone remember eating a gooseberry pie? My Grandma Schlesener used to make them and they were scrumptious hot out of the oven chock full of gooseberries, some raisins, and sugar sprinkled on the top crust . . . yum!
Used a wooden outhouse (at least one of them had the traditional half moon carved into its door) on both my grandparents’ farms. It made me a little uneasy, especially in the dark, because I knew there were spiders in there. . .
Love both German shepherds and Labrador retrievers and could not possibly choose one over the other (especially if one were given to me as a puppy).
When I was in the 5th grade our whole school went to Abilene to see President Eisenhower in a parade. He had rosy cheeks and a big smile, and I think of him as a genuine American hero. A great book about Ike is Michael Korda’s Ike: An American Hero. I enjoyed reading it so much I sent a copy of the book to my Dad a few years ago. He enjoyed it too.
Yep, we climbed the steps to the top of the Kansas Capitol building dome in another school outing.
I think it’s supposed to mean you’re not in hillbilly country anymore, or the backwoods or something like that, and yes, I am tired of hearing it. I am proud to say I’m from Kansas, home of some of the most creative, intelligent, honest, hard-working not to mention good-looking people on earth and a big piece of my heart will always be in Kansas no matter where I may be at the moment.
Thanks, Cheryl!
You have questions, I have answers.
http://goobmom23.blogspot.com/2010/02/answers-answers.html
That was fun!
Good job, Tracy.
Yes, it is Joe Engle, Chapman graduate! Gooseberry pie? I don’t remember any gooseberry pie….I thought I’d discovered that at Neosho Rapids where Gladys Stockwell made the BEST gooseberry pies and sold them for $3–yum! Gooseberry/rhubarb–my favorites!
Loved this column, Cheryl! I imagine everybody was answering as they read!