Recalculating

Today’s Flyover People column as seen in The Emporia Gazette:

RECALCULATING

We’ve just met, but I think Daniel may hate me already.

Daniel is the voice in our new Global Positioning System unit.

So far this guy has kept his emotions in check, but I’m not sure how long that will last – he might turn on me.

UPS delivered the GPS last week. It’s a gift from my mother. We’re planning a trip in which Dave and I will meet her along the Buffalo River in Arkansas. Mom thought we’d enjoy having an electronic navigation system for those unfamiliar roads in the Ozarks.

Dave and I took our maiden voyage with the GPS unit recently when we headed for Great Bend.

The device has dozens of languages available. Because Dave and I don’t speak fluent Srpski, Eesti, Hrvatski or even Letzebuergesch, we decided on plain old English.

Well, plain old English with a twist of lime.

“Let’s use the guy with a British accent,” I told Dave. He poked around on the touch-screen and that’s how Daniel came into our lives.

As we departed Emporia, Dave found a nesting place for the device, in front of the clock in a dashboard cubbyhole.

Thanks to the magic of electronics, triangulation and satellites, our little GPS unit knows exactly where we are and lays out the road before us, revealing curves, speed limits, and naming crossroads.

“Does it show deer in the ditches – or do I still have to watch for them?” I asked Dave.

A purple path represents the roadway on the screen. When there’s a turn ahead, a white arrow appears and Daniel will give us a verbal heads-up.

The screen shows your estimated arrival time, the speed of your car and also, in most places, the speed limit of the highway. When we came over the hill into Strong City, as soon as we crossed into the 45 mph zone, the GPS noted the change immediately.

I don’t need satellites to find Great Bend. After 28 years of driving between Emporia and Barton County, I could probably drive there with my eyes closed.

Great Bend is due west of Emporia. There’s really only one reasonable way to get there: US-50 to K-150 to US-56. Except for a few curves and veering to the right onto K-150 near Elmdale, you seldom use the steering wheel on this route.

But Daniel, well, he came up with an out-of-the-way way to get to Great Bend.

As we passed Elmdale, I asked Dave, “Shouldn’t this thing be telling us to turn onto K-150?”

The GPS was silent. The screen indicated we should stay on US-50.

I wasn’t going to let Daniel steer me wrong. I turned onto K-150. Daniel said, “Recalculating,” and there was a pause. Then, “Turn left in .2 miles on an unpaved road.”

Daniel wanted us to be on US-50. Very much so. He kept recalculating, kept trying to realign us. He urged us to see the error of our ways, bless his electronic little heart.

I think we may have had the unit set to avoid traffic and U-turns, and so when the GPS looked ahead and saw an interstate highway (Newton to McPherson), it jumped at the chance to get us on a four-lane, even if it added extra miles and time.

Later, in McPherson, Dave and I wanted to photograph the old opera house and I turned on Main Street. Daniel immediately began his “recalculating” shtick. I then made several more “wrong” turns. On each one Daniel jumped in with his British-accented “recalculating, recalculating,” and “turn left in .1 mile,” trying desperately to get us back on the straight and narrow.

Each time he corrected us, I could picture the guy rolling his eyes, sighing at my driving disobedience.

This GPS is a great new toy but we need to learn how to better program it so that Daniel doesn’t fry a circuit in one of his recalculating frenzies.

Actually, it was kind of fun to see if I could shake up Daniel, get him off his game. Yeah, he’s gonna hate me. And when he does, there are other GPS voices to turn to; I’ve heard that Lee has lovely Australian accent.

Copyright 2009 Cheryl Unruh